Thanksgiving is two days away. I can already feel the anxiety and awkwardness stewing inside me, getting ready to make a fantastic showing on Thursday. Let me say… I absolutely love my family. There are my ride or dies, for sure. It just sucks getting old. I’m at that stage in life where I am old enough to sit at the “grown-ups’ table,” but I still feel like I belong at the “kids’ table.” It’s hard to explain, but the holidays just don’t seem the same as when I was 10. Now, it feels more like a pissing contest between immediate families. We all have to brag about what we are doing these days, and I need “someone to say grace, so I can save face.” I have just really dreaded family holidays ever since I went away to college.
My first year away wasn’t so bad, but things started to change as I was away from my family and only came to see them on holidays. All the cousins used to run around playing tag or hide and seek. We would all hang out and enjoy each other. Some cousins are upstairs, some are downstairs, and some are with their significant others’ families. I don’t want to sound so sad or mean, but as we all grew, there was a divide among us. I don’t want it to be wrong; I’m not trying to complain. It’s just the way life is. We are all just beginning our own lives. When all the cousins are in one spot, it’s just small talk. It’s, “hi, how are your classes going? Studying for finals?” It’s no longer the picking up right where you left off. It’s like starting all over, like meeting somebody for the first. What do I talk about? What do I ask them? Do I really know the person that is eating turkey across from me? It doesn’t feel like it.
Everything is so divided. You can tell who is and isn’t talking to one another this year. This family will sit here, that family there. That or we’ll all gather on the couch watching football or a movie. I just don’t get the familial feel anymore. I don’t know anything that happened either, but something did. Are we just getting to that point where the families go their own way and start their traditions? I really hope not; I am not ready for that. The days of a family game of pass the trash are gone. We all used to hover around the dining room table to see who would win that pot. It was our “Football on Thanksgiving” tradition. Those games would get so heated in all the best ways. “You dealt me that.” I will never forget the pain of being on your last dollar and your cousin, next to you, throwing down a king next to you. You just had to be there.
It is one of my worst fears. The thought that one day these holidays won’t be a thing anymore is absolutely terrifying. What if I never have another holiday? I missed Christmas one year for work, and it didn’t feel great. I don’t want that to happen again, but as I get older, that feeling keeps looming over me. I sometimes wish I could go back to experience it all over. Family gatherings are some of my core memories. Like in “Inside Out,” I feel like I’m losing them all. It’s getting harder and harder to remember those days. Now, all I’m beginning to remember is the pit in my stomach before going to family dinner.
Plus, as somebody that has had bouts with mental illness, there was always the fear of being the Rosemary Kennedy of the family or the “lazy, stuck in adolescence” cousin. That shit was always terrifying and still is. I feel like I have to be at the top of my game. “Psh, mental health? What’s that?” “No, I’m not a sixth-year college student.” The holidays terrified me last year. I mean, last year, I was a college dropout, not doing anything but living at home. It was embarrassing, and I felt I couldn’t even share that with my family. I had an easier time telling my friends and acquaintances than I did my family. I never wanted to be the cousin that didn’t make anything of themselves. You know which cousins I’m talking about.
However, this year may be different. Perhaps I’ve played a more significant role than I would like to admit. Maybe now that I am in a better place mentally, I won’t feel like it is such a competition this year. Perhaps I was the one making the competition up. It was all in my head. I’ve been known to do that. As I said, my family means the world to me. I would do anything for them, and I know they would do anything for me. Life changes, not in a good or bad way. It just moves so damn fast. We won’t ever be able to change that. We must embrace that and enjoy every chance we get with our family, whether blood or chosen. Family is family, is family. We need family.
What are your Thankgiving traditions? Do you have any similar experiences?
Jakey's Takeys 
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