Letter to Myself

2017 Jake vs. 2022 Jake

Recently, I saw Frank Ocean’s Tumblr post from 2012 on Instagram. He explained his current situation to his “five-years-ago self.” This post will be my letter to me five years ago.

Hey man,

Right now, I know you’re questioning what you should do; you are looking to transfer after your first year at Indiana. You wonder if you should move home because you just can’t do it. You can’t spend another year in your room alone, watching the same movies and tv shows. I know you’re in a rough spot; you can’t imagine the future. The thought alone scares the absolute shit out of you. You can’t imagine being an adult. All you want is to go back to being six and not having a worry in the world. I know anxiety is all you have anymore. You can’t d anything. It just weighs on you 24/7. What if I burn out? What if I’m n t good enough? I am here to tell you, you are! I have to say to you, it will only get worse before it gets better. Just remember what grandma always said, “This too shall pass.” It won’t ever feel like it does until that one day you wake up changed. That day will come. I promise you

You will go to Marquette because your fear of failure will keep you from going home. You have too much pride to admit you need help. You just want to go home and be with your friends Nick and Matt. Maybe, live with them and enjoy being content, but you won’t let yourself. You have too much pride to go home. This pride and fear of failure will eventually be your downfall. You don’t want to be that kid you laughed at growing up. That kid that never graduated high school. The one you judged because they couldn’t leave Edwardsville. Fortunately,  it worked out for you, but you’ve got to get over yourself. And you will, but dawg, you can’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to carry the world’s weight on your shoulders.

So, instead of going home, you spend your days alone, crying and sleeping more. So much so that you have breakdown after breakdown. Walking down the street, in the library, and in the cafeteria, it happens anywhere and everywhere. You don’t feel like you will ever be able to live the life you want. That you’re stuck living someone else’s hopes and dreams. You will eventually do something about it; it will just take growth. You don’t know what to do. You don’t even know who you are anymore. You are just going through the motions. You just blow it off as just teen angst. Or I know you think, “Maybe, I’m just supposed to feel this way,” like you are a martyr. I hate to tell you this, but I must tell you this. You need to realize you’re not that important. One day it won’t just come together. You have to get over yourself. It takes breaking yourself down and building yourself back up. It’s not just going to disappear as if your Thanos snapping his finger. Anyway, I’m not mad at you. I’m just trying to help you get to the happy shit faster.

 The only thing that seems to help is Kid Cudi. I know you only listen to a handful of his songs right now, but one day at the gym, you will, for whatever reason, just decide to put him on shuffle. THANK GOD! Your whole li e is changed. That’s not the day I’m talking about, but he becomes your best friend. You’ll listen to him on repeat. As a matter of fact, he is all you listen to for the rest of your sophomore year. He provides that support you are terrified to ask for; he is that shoulder you lean on. You will wander around Milwaukee listening to him. For the longest time, he will be your one and only friend. That is until Jon finds you lying on the room floor, crying. He is freaked out. But he sits there, hugs you, and calms you down.

After that, you realize that this isn’t just a phase, but you are anxious and depressed. This comes as your 20th birthday is approaching. You can’t stand it; you are beyond freaked out. You just have a pit in your stomach constantly. You can’t believe that you will be in your twenties because this is not how they told you your twenties would be. You were supposed to be having the time of your life, not struggling for your life. You don’t feel anyone will ever like you. You constantly think people are judging you, but the only one judging you is yourself. AND FUCK THE PEOPLE THAT DO! THEY CAN GET OFF YOUR DICK! I can’t say it enough. You have to cut yourself some fucking slack. You aren’t perfect, and you never will be! It’s okay not to be! Embrace the m stakes! That’s when you learn about yourself!

There is a bright spot in the middle of all this. Right at the beginning of the spring semester of your junior year, you just happen to run into your old roommate Jon. He asks if you want to hang out later. You don’t want to, but you reluctantly join him. Thank God you did! He tells you about this organization called M.A.R.D.I G.R.A.S. Again, it’s something you don’t really want to do, but because Jon is going to lead a trip, you give it a chance. It happens during spring break. Right before the trip, Jon must back out. By now, you are so freaked out that you don’t believe you can go because you don’t know a single person on the trip. You doubt yourself so much that you write an email to your coordinator telling them you can’t do it. But, for some reason, you couldn’t hit send. Again, it’s a miracle. You’ll be glad you didn’t. You’ll meet so many people and have an absolute blast. You’ll meet this girl, Francesca. She’s so fucking cool. She just knows what’s up. Unfortunately, she will break your heart, but it’s okay. You are just happy to ACTUALLY FEEL something again.

Right after you get back from the trip, COVID-19 hits. You spend the rest of the spring semester at home with Mom and Remi. You have a great time like you always do with them, but you question why, after all this time, the pandemic has to hit right when you felt you were on the come up. You become hateful and hopeless. Is there a point to this? Why do anything if it can just be taken away? Not to mention the political landscape will just collapse. Most of your family will avoid the COVID vaccine, and you will fight with them over the seriousness of the pandemic. It creates more anger, and you just stay pissed. Your blood stays boiling. You will soon learn why. The pandemic will be a problem for the rest of the year. Still, you can return to Milwaukee and finish your senior year on campus… or think you will finish school.

Your first senior year will be filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The school year doesn’t start so well. First, you are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and you don’t take that well at all. You spin out of control. You quit going to class and doing your homework; you’ve given up on school. Instead, you spend all your time stoned out of your fucking mind. You wake up… smoke, go to work… smoke, come home… smoke. The one thing that keeps you going is meeting people you will be friends with for life. Jordan, Tony, Taylor, Joe, and Jon will significantly help you.

You wouldn’t be here without them; you haven’t had friends like them in a long time. It’s incredible to have people you can count on. But it just isn’t enough. You struggle with taking your meds. So much so that you eventually stop altogether. You cut and burn yourself so much. Almost every chance you get. It’s just something that will bring you back to life. It will stop those thoughts, even when it’s for just a second. You would never believe it, but you have so many tattoos. You do love them, but it is just another way to self-harm. You were addicted to the pain. That pain made you feel alive. The hardest p rt comes when you fail your classes that semester. You have to t ll your parents you won’t be graduating; they don’t take it very well. You are so fucking ashamed. The intrusive thoughts get worse and worse until…

Now it is March. This is when you hit rock bottom. You finish your last midterm and crash hard after all the Adderall you took to stay focused. You are exhausted mentally and emotionally. You contemplate the meaning of it all. You don’t even want to work in finance; why are you evening trying at your degree. You will just lay there all day with those thoughts running through your head. Your friends won’t see it. How could they? You can’t let them see how weak and ashamed you are of your life. The end of the fall semester is sitting over you laughing. It gets so bad that you contemplate taking a whole bottle of pills and just slipping into the void. But you don’t because no matter how much you tell yourself you want to die, you don’t want to actually die. You just don’t want life as you know it to continue. This is all a  3 in the morning. You eventually cry so hard that Jordy knows something is up. He listens to you. He’s there for you. He’s your bro. And you’ll never be able to thank him enough for what he does for you. After a few days at home, decompressing, you will come back and finish the semester strong. You find a new therapist and psychiatrist, and things seem good.

Then, the fall comes, and everything starts sliding again. Remi spends a week with you during Labor Day, just trying to cheer you up. But it only delays the inevitable. Midterms are your enemies once again. This time they win. You can’t do it. You spend a whole hour bawling your eyes out to your therapist and working out that this isn’t the right time for school. When you tell your parents, they will try to keep you up there but will soon realize just how bad you are doing. So, you move back in with mom. You just had to hit rock bottom.

Those three months at home are rough, but you need them. You will finally admit to yourself that you are ill and need help. You won’t hide it anymore. In fact, most people probably think you are too open about it. But you know that you aren’t the only one struggling. Hearing your stories will help your little cousin come to her own terms with mental health. That inspiration really shows how powerful your experiences can be. As Troy and Gabriella would say, “It’s the start of something new.”

 You will end up taking a job with dad. Using your nepotism is hard, but it is the best thing for you. It jumpstarts your road to recovery. You find the perfect combo in psychiatrist and therapist. Miranda and Tiffany help you so much you can’t even fathom. Tiffany will become the person you go to about everything. And it will be hard for you to hear, but the best thing she does is keep you accountable. Tiffany won’t let you get away with the shit other therapists did. She will actually work with you. She isn’t abo t just putting a band-aid on it. You get on the right combination of meds and start school back up at UAB. You’ve got all A’s. You have this openness about you. It’s like the weight has been lifted. Everything is brighter and more colorful. You have this newfound confidence about you. I mean, for Christ’s sake, you started a fucking blog. Could you imagine doing that?! Absolutely not! You would have let that fear overpower you. And at the end of this, that is all I can say, “Don’t let fear stop you.” Fear is the best part of life. You will never have it figured out, and that’s okay. It’s actually more than okay; it’s beautiful! You find your passion, and you take the steps you want. It’s not perfect, but you can finally say, “I AM HAPPY.”